She decided to free herself,
dance into the wind, create a new language.
And birds fluttered around her. Writing "yes" in the sky.
Where has my heart gone? I remember as a child watching my dad photograph all the moments of our world and then proudly display them as framed 5x7 prints hung on the walls of our family home. Years and years of Us. Our story. On display for all to see. I have been wanting to create a wall of memories in my own home. But it’s taking me forever. Forever to complete a project, just for me. We all go through it. I know I’m not alone in this. The excitement of photographing a session or a beautiful bride as she pledges her love, the precious moments in a newborns first days, the innocence of children being themselves all shown through the lens of my camera. My heart beats loudly at every single session, I love every minute of it. The session is over and then my real work begins. The hours and hours of sitting in front of my computer editing images. I hear the birds chirp outside my window, spring has begun here in the northeast. I hear kids laughing, the cyclists riding by, the sound of a mower gasping to start after a long winters rest. My curtain flaps loudly as a sudden breeze sends it gently in the air – I catch it out of the corner of my eye as I’m deep in mid edit. I want to be out there. To feel the sun on my face, to greet my little girl home from school with an impromptu picnic, a bicycle ride, or perhaps a walk on the beach to feel the salt air on our faces and hear the seagulls squawk their hellos. Snippets of our life. Together. Most times I ignore these desires these tugs at my heart. I.must.complete.this.session. There will be no reward until it’s done. But the problem is, before it’s done there is another and another session to be culled and edited and presented. How do I balance this? My life, my child, my work but most of all me? How do I bring back the joy of photography? Into my heart deep in my soul from my eye to my finger tip the thrill that sears through my body as I press the shutter.
This is what I’ve been struggling with lately. I decided back in January that I would be true to me. But that hasn’t happened. Once again I’m on the back burner. So I decided that this summer will be a return to me. I pledge to remember the joy that photography brought me way back when, in high school. I can still smell the mystery of the darkroom, the cool feel of the paper, the darkness as I entered until my eyes adjusted to the red light making me and my classmates look very dramatic. My heart pounding with the thrill of what this roll of film in my hand would turn into. The grain of the black and white – Kodak Tri-X 400 – my go to film of the day. I miss film. I want it back.
I pledge to start a project for me. I pledge to bring the thrill and the beauty of what my film camera sees right back into my heart. I pledge that along with that thrill I will not be a slave to my computer. I will learn to balance my time. I am not shooting weddings this summer, I am listening to my heart and we are running away – to discover the thrill of what the camera meant to me as a young girl and while I’m at it, I pledge to spend these moments of rediscovery with my little girl by my side. And when she asks me to play. We will play. We will dance. We will sing. And the work will get done but on my real life time. I won’t be afraid to say no, I won’t be afraid to be honest. And in these moments I won’t be afraid to look inside my heart and rediscover me.
[Will you start a personal project? Do you struggle too? I would love to hear your thoughts and sentiments regarding this journey I know we’re all on.]
I chose some wonderful images from our flickr pool that matched my sentiments. From the heart. xo